your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
