3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
