just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Everclear isn't food dammit
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
