I want to have your abortion
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
