his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
The best revenge is premature balding
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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