Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
