I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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