sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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