you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
