Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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