Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
