I bet he comes in French.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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