apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
