I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
