Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
