the new term for farting is butt boxing.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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