It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
