It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
