Me. At least after what I've been through.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
