His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
