shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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