have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
This is the prime rib incident all over again
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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