No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
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I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
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I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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