About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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