I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
