Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
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