I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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