So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
