i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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