Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
