I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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