My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
