Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
