I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
