There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
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