He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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