How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
