dude i'm inner monologue high
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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