remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
