I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
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so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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