so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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