whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize