I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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