remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
