Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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