After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
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WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
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Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
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