Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
