Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Found the puke drawer
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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