I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
