my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
